RPDR All Stars 3: The Unnecessarily Granular, Minute-Bye-Minute Recap - Episode 1

Duh girl, its a minute by minute review of the episode so yeah, spoilers ahead. I meeeeaan, thanks for reading, your support means the world to me, I treasure you beyond measure. But duh spoiler alert. 

8:01 pm: Its back and I’m watching in HD. Im already scared. Theres a Geico commercial with the penguins that I really like, this is already going well for me.  

Ok, the very first scene opens Alaska and her mom Chad Michaels in a skit like that amazon show about women in bonnets. Whats it called? The Handmaidens Tale? Should I watch that next? I really do love a bonnet. 

 

8:02 pm: The guest judge this week will be Vanessa Hudg— OMG ITS TRIXIE ON ROLLERBLADES!! Honestly this bald boy look Trixie is doing in the confessionals is working for me. 

Ugh….next in we have Milk. Who I want to like, I really really do, but I’m not just sure what is it that I don’t really like (his white privilege - but thats not his fault is it?). I think his look is supposed to be like a fashionable Pinocchio? I could do without. 

 

8:04 pm: and Chi Chi has arrived off the greyhound. Her and her gray tooth are back to slay the competition and take out the trash! Damn. Am I mean? 

I also have an issue with Thorgy from Season 8, but unlike my nebulous distaste for Milk (get it? see what I did there? taste? milk? ugh its funny I promise) Im pretty sure Im not a huge Thorgy fan just because she's annoying. Is that ok to say? That people are annoying?

 

8:07 pm: Mariah Careys corps….Morgan McMichaels is next in the room like a blast from the drag race past. I was never a huge fan of Morgans. I always got the feeling that she was constantly defensive, pero like, for what reason? Either live out your most personal traumas on the show for my entertainment, or keep the unexplained nasty attitude at home.  

LOL awwwwwww Aja. Its almost like she never left because she was JUST on last season, but after the multiple servings of gluten free humble pie that she received on the show, and afterwards on instagram, Im kind of rooting for her this time. She actually reminds me a lot of myself, in that my only strength is projecting my insecurities on other people only to have it backfire on me. Thats kind of like my thing, ask anyone I know. 

I genuinely love Ben De LaCreme, but I get a sense from her kind of like how I get from all comedians or “happy people” that they have some deep dark interior of emotional angst and sadness, I can’t wait to see what her drag persona is hiding behind all of that peppiness. 

Im thinking either gay shamed in highschool, or first boyfriend actually turned out to be a serial killer. Also here for the jughead Riverdale hat because anything that reminds of Cole Sprouse *heart eye emojiis*

 

8:12 pm: Come thhhrroououugghhhh Phaedra Parks come thhrroouuhh….whats that? Oh. Well anyway, I guess that would have been too good to be true. It’s Kennedy Davenport. Oh shit,  Chi chi just said that she has a mother daughter relationship with Kennedy and I screamed. 

 

Screamed. 

 

8:15 pm: Finally Shangela is here. Im not even a Shangela stan, but Im always here to root for a girl that literally just will not go away. She’s also like so sweet in real life that its hard for me to make fun. BUT DON’T YOU WORRY I WILL FIGHT THROUGH. I do it for you guys. 

Ok Im pretty sure thats all of the entrances even though there are only 9 queens. What ever could they have in store for us??

 

8:18 pm: Ru has finally entered the workroom looking as statuesque as ever. Also where does he get his glasses? I would like them. Someone get to work on that. Please let me know what you find out. 

Ok WHEW we’re at the first commercial and I’m sitting on the edge of my seat because my room is a mess, and also because theres a surprise queen being added to the competition. 

[Insert commercial break, and me shoveling wholesale sized quantities of Cheez-its in my mouth]

8:21 pm: BEBE ZAHARAAAHHH. “You may not recognize me but I am the very first winner of Ru Pauls drag race” and that marks the understatement of the year. 

Even if I hadn’t been watching from season 1 (which I have obv, Im a gay black man, this is all I have) there was so much vaseline on the camera I was never actually sure of what any of those queens looked like. Welcome to HD BEBE. She done already done had hers-es is right, but im glad that BeBe gets a chance to compete  again with that shake and go long bob wig. Go girl. 

 

8:25 pm: and the library is open. 

OK SIDEBAR BEFORE WE BEGIN —pauses show— can I get real with you guys for a second? Like, I just want to go on record as saying that Milk put out some IG PSA about…idk….internet bullying? and I think thats what annoys me about him. The shows been on for 10 minutes and he’s made more digs at the other contestants than anyone, and yet here he is on his high horse saying that we should be nice and kind to people. Ugh. anyway, more on that later, it just popped into my head. 

—resume show—

8:29 pm: Ok so maybe this isn't going to be a…..comedy season…

 

8:31 pm: Hmmm Aja just called BeBe an overweight Naomi Campbell and I don’t understand how thats a read…I wish someone would say I looked like an overweight supermodel. Thats just like, a very pretty regular person. 

 

8:33 pm: OOOOhhhhh maybe Ru gets his glasses from LA eyeworks since thats where Ben just won a $3,000 gift certificate to for winning the reading challenge. 

 

8:35 pm: Now the girls are de-dragging and Ben is talking to Trixie saying that he was hoping that Valentina would be there as if Valentina is even a little bit concerned with being on Drag Race right now. 

She’s running around being the Queen of Central America, being on Vogue, and continuing to be the only shining light in my life. Yes Im a Valentina stan, there I fucking said it.

 

8:40 pm: Do I like Morgan McMichaels? More on this later. 

 

8:41 pm: Ben just said that she felt like her performance on her season was a reflection of her self worth, and the first brick of the trauma wall has been removed. Let me iiiiinnnnnn.  

Im not exactly sure why Aja is saying that people are underestimating her…like…sweeitiiieeee, did you watch your season? Just want to be sure. Incase you need me to link you to it. 

 

8:44 pm: Its time for the runway and OK heres something that Ive been talking about for years - WHERE ARE RU’S LEGS?? Honestly you will not see her legs on the runway. its like a thing. Im serious. I think there have been exactly 4 episodes where Ru came out in a gown that showed her legs. I get she’s a mother to hundreds now, and thats got to take a toll on the body, but Its becoming a point of obsession for me and I don’t want it to have to turn into a thing

 

8:45 pm: So the challenge this week is a variety show where the girls have to perform a talent. I just think Its funny that Shangela doesn't know some of the words to her own original song. 

The things about challenges where they give so much freedom, is that I think its even more difficult than having to operate within the boundaries of a very strict set of circumstances. You almost have too much liberty, and thats why Shangela is out here with a tambourine in the robe from Sister Act 2. 

 

8:48 pm:  … I’ll have you know, that there is literally nothing, and I do mean nothing in this world, than I hate more than an original song so guys I’m struggling here. 

Oh, Thorgy plays the….violin. Whats the difference between a violin and a viola? Maybe if I wikipedia that, it would be more alive with pleasure than this performance. 

Aja just jumped from a small stage into a death drop, and so falling counts as talent now. 

 

8:50 pm: Sidebar: Honestly I think its time we start talking about the athleticism of these girls. I feel like they're sku-ing the public perception of how difficult it is to do a split. Honestly, I’ve tried to do one, and I’m pretty confident that I tore something that I don’t have the health insurance to go get checked out. 

Somebody please come get Chi Chi. Thats all. 

Actually come take Morgan and her cheerleader rap with you. Take them both. They have to go. 

 

8:55 pm: I guess this season for Milk will just be going back through her instagram looks of the past 2 years…

[Commercial break thoughts: Who are they playing these love and hip hop commercials for? Hmm maybe the other Black gays? Does that show even come on VH1? Is it just sequences of drinks being thrown in peoples faces? Is that why theres always plastic tablecloths and folding chairs?]

8:57 pm: Kennedy, Milk, BeBe, and Trixie are safe. 

Thorgys jumpsuit is actually beautiful if we’re gonna be talking about ffaaassshhhiiiooonnn on this blog or whatever. Like Bea Arthur at the Oscars. 

 

9:00 pm: “Im so into vogueing right now” Vanessa Hudgens on every other straight white girl in America right now. 

 

9:04 pm: Honestly, I would actually love to see Ru in a Drag competition like this. 

Zaammmnnn the budget is real for this season. Aja and Ben get a 5 night trip for winning. Should I go on drag race? Lol jk, nobody want to see me cry off my makeup the first time someone says I look like Celie.

 

9:06 pm: Can you do a double elimination? That would be my question. Choosing between sending Chi Chi or Morgan home would be an impossible choice. 

 

9:08 pm: I think I just want to be on the show ONLY for the moments where I get to try to advocate as to why I shouldn't be sent home. I feel like these girls need a playbook on how to do this. Don't people know how to manipulate people? Is that…not ….a thing? 

 

9:12 pm: Vanessa Hudgens who I keep almost calling Demi Lovato (shade) is now lip-syncing against a pork chop and thats why this is the best show currently on television. 

Maybe, I’ll just start wearing nails? I feel like thats every boys dream. 

 

9:14 pm: Who can make me a ringtone of Michelle’s cackle? Please email me at theissuesblog@gmail.com Serious responses only (lol jk not serious ones too!)

I love how seriously Ben is taking his decision, that he hasn't even been asked to make yet. 

 

9:16 pm: Oh shit outfit change. Aja came to PLAY (read: go home early and is wearing all of his outfits while he still has the chance)

 

9:18 pm: Ben De LaCreme is a winner baby. omg I’m so scared to hear the dissertation behind his decision on who is supposed to go home. 

 

9:22 pm: Bye Morgan, it was lovely to see you, but you were sent home by a plan of your own design. I agree with Ben you needed to go home, and Chi Chi can probably do better. She won’t, but thats not the argument here. 

 

IN SUMMATION: 

Maybe I should start watching Love & Hip Hop? Which season of NYC was Cardi on? As usual this show gets better and better every season. This is an interesting mix of people though, Its strange how all of these people were “fan favorites” but together, I don’t know, they all seem a little flat. Its just the dynamics of reality TV that someone has to be the villain and someone has to be the hero, so Im excited to see how all these girls who played nice on their seasons will transform as the weeks go on. Yaaaaaassssssssss ( I felt like at least one of these was obligatory in a review of Drag Race). 

x

Jonathan Bell 

Leave your comments below and let me know how you feel. I absolutely won’t cry if you don't say something nice. Like, that’s so not me. *already crying* I can totally dish it out and take it.

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