Versnatched: Ep. 2 - "Unhinged is an UNDERSTATEMENT"

Show open: March 1994 Miami 

Oh hey its Gianni (Edgar Ramirez) and Antonio (Ricky Martin) skulking through the hallway of a hospital with Gianni dressed like the Unibomber. 

Oooh eek - he definitely just found out he has HIV. I guess I take back that unibomber comment uugghh. 

He’s telling this sad story about he and Donatellas older sister that got a disease when she was 10 and died, and no-one told him when she passed. 

For some reason he says from that experience the lesson learned was that “if you get sick you can always get better” and Im really not following that logic. Its...the EXACT opposite of that...

Also the doctor lady is just sitting there, nodding along, when she needs to be managing his expectations and letting him know his treatment options. Ugh. I throw my hands up. 

Now we’re back in the basement of the “discount art” section of the Home Shopping Netw.....Gianni’s bedroom. 

“What is Veerrrsace without you?” - Donatella . I would love to expand more on this statement but I’m completely distracted by his truly GIGANTIC sleigh bed. I need it. Not want, need.  

Sidebar: I don’t know why they wasted all this money on the production when I could just watch an hour of Penelope Cruz yelling at Ricky Martin in a mix of Spanish and English in one long unceasing diatribe. 

OK back to the “present day” and I just realized the absence of violins in this episode and can’t believe it took me this long. 

Ya know, even though I know the story and all, this all seems just like…..very personal. Like I’m watching an actual funeral be prepared and quite frankly Im just really not in a place emotionally for this. Im not crying, you are

Sidebar: Is it artistic liberty or do they burn the entire casket when they cremate someone? If so, like how do you separate the remains? What if all you get is a bunch of casket ash sitting above your fireplace for the rest of your life? Im not comfortable with this. 


Ugh its the first commercial break and I’m suuuuuper bummed out by this episode. Penelope's blonde wig is the only thing keeping me coming back. and of course the chance to see Darren Criss’ butt again. Full back-al male nudity is pretty much the driving factor behind most of my decisions TBH. 


We’re back and in SC with Cunanan,  May 1997 (2 months pre murder),  rocking a very Ralph Lauren Canadian tuxedo, and I know homeboy's crazy and all but he’s really pulling it off. 

Ok GEEZ perhaps the creepiest moment of the entire show — including watching Ricky Martin feign emotional distress — was Cunanan looking up to see some little girl standing there while he's changing the license plates on his car. 

I guess Darren Criss is really going the method acting route because “Gloria” - by Laura Branigan came on while he was driving, and it was as if he was never even on Glee.

Is this what I sound like when Bartier Cardi comes on? 

Nnaaahhh I crush it. I can affect a speech impediment so I sound JUST like the song. 

ALSO almost overlooked, before that song came on, there was a radio announcement saying the police were looking for Cunanan for the murder of Lee Miglin? Not sure who that is, but he hasn't even gotten to Gianni yet and he's already responsible for the death of this Lee Miglin person and “Gloria”. 

He gets to Miami and pulls up to a hotel that look like a great place to get bed bugs. He’s here crazy-person-rambling to my favorite actor in the show so far - this hotel clerk desk woman. Yesss roll those r’s. 

Sidebar: Whomever it was that scored this show really wanted to make sure that we knew when something ~troubling~ was happening and did not miss a goddamn opportunity to (over)use that sliding scale into discord. 

Ok, so Cunanan just like, pulls into the city and randomly goes to the Versace gate and like, shakes it? He doesn't even try the knob. Like, why would you think thats the appropriate way to open a gate? Ugh, amateurs. 

Now we’re in the office of the police department and apparently Cunanan has already killed 4 people before getting to Miami.

I just think its funny when the detective says that Cunanan “isn’t like a regular homosexual” / “he’ll be targeting older, wealthy, closeted gay men” 

Lol…um…sweetie, thats literally every single homo I know. Thats kind of THE POINT of being gay. 

Orange is the New Black is clearly the only one with sense and is going to have to crack this case all on her own. 


Commercial break and just in time because I need to turn on the light in here, because I’m starting to get scared. 


 

Cunanan's outfit is low-key cute. A sleeveless tee and cut off denim shorts. Is psycho serial killer from ’97 my new summer look?

OMG ITS SCHMIDT FROM NEW GIRL! Loooove him, don’t love this shaky ragged look he's got going on though. Stay away from drugs kids. Ok so now he and Cunanan are friends and he's asking him where he can go hustle? Escort? What's the current term? 

Sidebar: Well I’ll officially offer my thanks now to Ryan Murphy for this completely unnecessary and gratuitous 'Darren Criss in a speedo' moment. 

Even further to the side-bar: Ok as soon as I get over my addiction to carbs I have GOT to get to Southbeach. 

Aww Darren Criss found this poor old man on the beach that he’s going to sleep with for money, and ONCE AGAIN this feels like something that I maybe did not need to be privy to. 

Oh boy. ok OKAY. Cunanan is totally batshit crazy. Like, him murdering 4 people already should have tipped me off to that, but like, this is really a level of insanity I’m not prepared for. My heart is racing. 

He duct tapped this mans entire face, left him to the point of suffocation,  and at the last second took a pair of scissors and stabbed a hole in the mouth for him to breathe. AND THEN THE MAN BOUGHT HIM A STEAK AFTERWARDS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. 

I am like, genuinely clutching my chest. Cunanan leaves and the older guy latches the door (his smartest move to date) and puts on his wedding ring and calls the police to tell them what just happens but instead just says “never-mind” 

 

….Im in tears. 


Thank goodness theres a commercial break again. How long is this show? I need a moment to recover. 


Ok back and its July 6, 1997 and Gianni is still alive — What exactly has Cunan been doing in Miami for the past two months and how have the police not caught him? He's not exactly being discreet walking through the streets finding old men to terrorize. 

We are at a VERY 90’s fashion show, and I give it to the costume designers for having to recreate clothes thats are supposed to look like actual Versace. They're not quite the real thing, but they could play a Versace dress on TV. 

Ok Im not sure what the point of that scene was, but at least I got a break from having to deal with Darren Criss. 

Ugh nooo. Its Cunanan and Schmidt in his hotel room looking very sweaty smoking something out of a glass pipe? Do you smoke meth out of a glass pipe or is that only crack? Ugh and his obsession with duct tape is really putting me off adhesives for a while. 

For some reason he has on a sleeveless sweatshirt and Im just like, if you're hot, maybe don’t wear a sweatshirt? The answer isn't just cutting off sleeves. Thats NEVER the answer. 

Ok back to Gianni and Ricky Martin at the pool and Ricky says “I don’t want this [fucking strangers lifestyle] anymore, I want to marry you” and Gianni says “You can say that in the morning, but can you say it in the evening” 

OOOOOHHH SHHHIITITTTT BUUURRRNNNN YOOOO FACTS MY GUY GO OFFFFF

We then see Cunanan at a pawn shop trading in a gold coin for money and he puts his ACTUAL name on the paper? Like, he's leaving a literal paper trail. Dumb. 

Cunanan is now walking the street at night and see’s Gianni on the balcony and runs back to the hotel to get his gun. This must be the night before the murder because I’m pretty sure thats what he was wearing in the last episode when he wakes up on the beach the morning of the attack. 

OH SHIT. they almost had him. A cashier just called the cops saying Cunanan was in the restaurant but of course he slipped away. Ugh, I knew he wasn't going to get caught, but I honestly really wanted him to just so that the nightmare would end now. 

We then see Gianni and Ricky go into a gay club together, shortly followed by Cunanan who just HAPPENS to go to the same club they went to. 

Cunanan is really in this club throwing open bathroom stall doors like he trying to start some shit right there. Why do all of this planning and stalking if you were just going to run up on him in a public place? Dumb. 

Unhinged is an UNDERSTATEMENT

Sidebar: There are way too many random sounds going on in my house for this right now. I almost just knocked my computer off my lap when I jumped while Cunanan is crazily confessing to some random bottom on the dancefloor that he's a serial killer. 

Omg omg omg its over. We made it. *deep exhale*


FINAL THOUGHTS: I may actually be too much of a punk to continue these reviews. I had to turn on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives because only Guy Fieri can settle my nerves now. Take me….to Flavortown. 

x

Jonathan Bell