VERSNATCHED - Ep. 3 "Thats No Way to Treat a Sugar Daddy"
"EPISODE 3: A RANDOM KILLING"
This weeks episode is called A Random Killing. Something I wish would happen to me so I don't have to do these recaps ever again. Im watching this on my computer, and I've chosen to "Interact with Ad" so that I can get only two breaks during this tortuous affair instead of like fifteen. And so it beings...
We start with a QVC esque taping about a scent called "Pheromone" with the "Queen of Perfume." I always thought that was Britney Spears' Fantasy but it's Marilyn Miglin who says perfume is "about our bodies talking to each other without words". To me that's a fart.
Anyway, this Lisa Rinna archetype calls her husband to no avail and takes a taxi home because she probably knows he doesn't love her enough to get off his FAT MALE ASS AND RESPECT A QUEEN AS SHE SHOULD BE RESPECTED.
JK! he's probably dead as the musical cues suggest.
She is absolutely stunned that there is an open container of chocolate ice-cream in her home and tells her neighbors something is wrong. That's skinny white women for ya. I'd be put off if there WASN'T a half eaten carton of ice-cream open in my house.
The helpful white neighbors (my suspicious ass would be looking any direction but yours to avoid helping you) now start calling for her husband inside the house and see a piece of meat stabbed with a knife. So far this just looks like a binge after a fat gay has been rejected by an attractive gay - not really cause for concern, standard gay behavior, nothing to see here.
This family has a shrine in their basement. The Miglins I mean. That to me is disconcerting.
Sure the shrine is to Jesus but that's weird...right? Oh theres a garage and the male neighbor just happened to forget and not check that. Interesting aka he knew his ass was not trying get killed.
Ms Miglin is nefariously tapping her nails on the counter making her seem like the murderer so I'm confused. The lady neighbor screams because she sees something in the garage. Ugh too much for opening the show with but okay. She says quietly says "I knew it" and okay lady like no you didn't you saw some half eaten food and got scared of carbs in your home.
Cut to a week ago in Chicago. Ms Miglin and Lee, her husband, are at dinner and she is just HBIC at that white male dinner table; talking up a storm and commanding the room. I'm not Jon Bell so I won't tell you who plays whom, you can figure it out.
It's Ryan Murphy it's either Lady Gaga, Jessica lange, et al
Marilyn Miglin is like the Kris Kardashian to Ex Bruce Jenner/Current Caitlyn. "He is my partner in every sense of the word" she says about her gay ass man. And here comes Lee Miglin to the podium to affirm every shinning compliment his wife gave him. They come home from the gala to their all white foyer and he gives her some appreciation; good for him for recognizes greatness (take note CAITLYN!).
Theres some ominous reminiscing about what color Marilyn's first store was (pink) and she is fuming that Lee's old, dusty brain doesn't remember this. Lady he looks like he eats mush for breakfast, lunch, and dinner give him a break. She's prepping for bed and honestly it's too much. Creams and lotions and perfume between the tits, wait i mean Pheromone between the tits (call back to her selling perfume guys keep up).
Andrew Cunanan who I will be calling AC from now on, calls his ancient sugar daddy Lee to let him know he's checking his list twice because his gay, murderous ass is coming to town to visit and get some old man poonani.
The next morning Marilyn invites Lee with her out for the day because he's being a 'sad-old-white-man-who-thinks-they-have-more-problems-than-they-do-but-it's-really-just-homosexual-fantasies-they-can-no-longer-suppress'. Textbook.
AC pulls up in a red truck (that's the start of a Carrie Underwood song I'm sure) and Lee has his puffy robe on waiting for that young, crazy dick. HE IS PUTTING ON HIS WIFE'S PHEROMONES that will surely be confusing. He's prepping to get dicked down y'all. Graphic I know but I just tell it like it is, I'm real.
Lee goes to his basement church which I still won't pretend is normal or like a ~thing~, and he lights all his altar candles. Honest to God it's weird. Lee crosses himself and begs for forgiveness but Jesus knows the trickery us gays pull. He ain't no fool (Carrie are you writing these down, sweetie?).
AC has ANOTHER, DIFFERENT pair of glasses and is in his oxford shirt, just got home from second semester realness lewk and knocks at Lee Miglin's door. Lee was just praying but doesn't hesitate with letting that OBVIOUS MURDERER IN. Ok the crescendo strings like that wasn't a surprise the whole scene was leading up to them being a couple like DUR. Someone score this whole show better please.
Side note: This is going by a lot faster than the first time and i am LIVING FOR IT YASSSSSSSS. No, honestly guys, the sooner this is done the better for me AND you. I'll just get more and more belligerent and rude.
CUT BACK TO THE HOUSE and Lee is feeding this treacherous twink. Lee wants his trade to stay the night and it looks like AC just wants to eat a sammie, honestly same. the sammie I mean.
Lee is trying to show him some plans for the sky needle or whateva (THE sky needle) and AC points a gun to his back but puts it away because he's interested in long, strong, hard needles. Off brand for him because of the old men he finds.
Some tall tower talk about that needle where everyone who present day lives or goes to Chicago takes a picture of themselves on the observation deck with an open floor. The Sky Needle is about reaching up and out according to old man Miglin. AC is convincing his grandpa it's otherwise and wants it to be named the Lee Miglin tower. AC is not inspired or impressed by the Sky Needle and just wants to get down to the ntity gritty. Poor Lee Miglin just wanted his money to go further with this prostitute. To quell his liver spotted man meat, AC plants Lee Miglin with a thorough, gay kiss causing a guttural and honestly creeptastic shudder by Miglin.
AC annunciates very clearly and heavily while talking in this scene. It's annoying but it's what psychopaths do. Then he leads lee to the garage and starts to do some kinky shit that I don't think old man Lee is ready for.
Honestly, more tape? I had read about this from Jon's recap. How does one jump from passionate kissing to gimp play. Like I'm an active member of the gay community and I still haven't gotten to this level of gay. This is like level 40 I'm at like 7 apparently. This is a side quest I haven't encountered in my gay RPG.
Okay now AC i like choking the eff out of Lee and *ouch* a brutal punch; it's brutal. "intellectual Andrew" is what AC calls himself and that's mmmm I mean he has glasses on? Poor lee is going to be outted AFTER his death; AC is telling Lee he will put him in ladies underwear and surround him with gay porn.
On a lighter note, this garage is very clean and organized and for that I am jealous. Oh also Lee's dead now btw. Death by blow to the head with concrete.
Wait cut to AC eating some sort of meat off the bone and I thought it was a head at first but I guess it was just meat meat? Did I mention I was watching this on my phone? It's an iPhone SE sorry... It's not professional but it's all I have and sometimes my astigmatic eyes just don't see what's going on.
Third commercial break
*Phew* that was rough are you all still with me? I'm like curious where this is going. JK I Know it's the death of Gianni Versace. Anyway it's gotten pretty heavy should I still be making jokes?
Ok we're back and there's an appropriately numerous amount of cops investigating a rich old white man's death. The superintendent of police doesn't want any of this leaked to the press ayyyy old white man got old white man's back that's a new concept I've never seen or heard of before. We find out that the gold coins are from Lee (that's what AC pawns [see I'm paying attention]). Marilyn is handling shit like a bawss and making SURE no one knows that her husband stopped laying down the pipe. Homosexual Pornographic Magazines is my next blog title.
Police are suspecting that AC took a bath and shaved and honestly good that's cute that he's like not getting stinky on his other tricks.
!A new skinny white man has appeared!
Duke Miglin is a tall "hollywood actor" and is in AIRFORCE ONE starring Harrison Ford. He plays a specifically RUSSIAN PILOT. I don't know much about Duke Miglin but if this actor's portrayal is any indication I will be doing a IMDB search later or simply a google search of "Duke Miglin...naked?"
There's some police mumbo jumbo blabla that was a summation of all that talky talk. Phone tracing and enhancing yada yada. How many times will someone say "WE GOT EM" in reference to AC because that just doesn't seem true.
Fourth Commercial Break
AC stopes at the versace store in NYC really feeling himself. Vintage Versace looks just like VERSACE X H&M but less company that had a racist t-shirt on sale. Poor customer service at Versace store. It's been many a moment and not one attendant has come up to ask how they could help. Tsk Tsk.
Back to the Miglins and they're about to find out AC is a gay prostitute and he's tricking. But the phrase "It ain't tricking if you got it" comes to mind. Especially when all the cops and the FBIs and the CIAs is after ya.
Marilyn Miglin is wearing a pink blazer and it only highlights her blush which is too much, maybe not for the eighties but if I'm correct this is the nineties GET WITH THE TIMES MARILYN. She breaks and is about to start crying about her late, gay husband. Marilyn is going to make sure no one knows that her husband liked to touch swords with other men. Frottage if you will.
Lee Miglins murder got out and the Super Intendent is PISSED. That pesky media always sticking it's nose where it shouldn't be.
Fifth commercial break...
was short thank god.
Oh wait, the Superintendent is pissed that they're reporting about the cops triangulating the phone signal.
While driving, the radio alerts AC to break his carphone because that thing is TRACKING HIM DUH YOU DUMB DUMB. What a dumb dumb. Anyway, AC speeds off after destroying the antennae of Lee's lexus which actually doesn't look that much like a luxury car but okay whatever I'm not into cars like that anyway really. I'm just happy that AC has stuck with the same set of spectacles, change scares me. Murder on the other hand meh I take it or leave it.
AC is stalking his prey it's an old lady but he gets put off presumably by her cat pee stench. Luckily an old FAT white country man steps out of a red truck. It's all coming back to me now. The red pick up, etc etc. He really likes red. Am I MAKING SENSE HERE PEOPLE THE DOTS ARE FINALLY CONNECTING. I can get rid of this cork board I've been using to keep up with this decades old murder.
AC has followed the man to obviously to steal his pick up but actually goes into the building and pulls a gun on him. He's brazen I'll say that much (I've actually said tons more and it makes me sick). This particular old white man is giving a lot of sass for someone who has a gun pointed on him but ultimately they end up in the basement where AC plans to lock him. The old country farmer (I'm assuming) starts his plea but gets shot in the head WOWZA (- Patrick). I thought AC would have let him live but I also am stupid so there's that.
AC is to red truck as OJ is to Bronco.
Damn now were back at QVC and Marilyn is called out by her co host. Like damn lady did you have to put my husbands murder on blast like that like what kind of a co host are you AN INCONSIDERATE ONE that's what is probably what Marilyn is thinking at that moment. Marilyn says it's what her husband would've wanted (her coming back on tv) but we all know the pull of the camera lens am I right struggling actors?!?!!? ayyyyyy.
Anyway she's giving a speech about her husband and I can tell she knows her Pheromone sales are going to SKYROCKET. The cohost asks if she's able to go on not at all knowing that these are theatre tears to play up for the audience. "Think of the little red light as the man you love" did you hear that improv guys and gals? That's how you'll finally be funny.
Another commercial but I think this is the end...... holding my breathhhhhhhh anddddddddd YES Ladies and Gentleman we're done. THIS WEEK.
Okay all in all there was like A LOT of murder and like violence. Who knew? Also, if you still don't know your phone signal can be triangulated, you should stop killing... like now. General note, interacting with ads actually doesn't do anything and your viewing experience will be interrupted so many fucking times don't trust FX's lies. Anyway, if this show has taught me anything it's that--
NEXT WEEK ON VERSNATCHED:
My phone didn't show me what's happening next week but I'm pretty sure no one else is going to die. It just doesn't seem plausible.
My editors are telling me Gianni Versace is next. Ok Bye!
Contributing Author: Justin Cartagena