Monthly Horoscope: April 2018

April Horoscopes 

Not to get all preachy on your asses, but I’m kind of about to spit just straight cosmic knowledge and I want you to really be prepared for this life changing advice. I’m like 1 part Long Island Medium, with 2 parts that girl at your job thats also a witch, and just a dash of pan-asian mysticism because I’ve been eating an insane amount of pad thai lately.

Like, you’re welcome in advance for this advice, and you should absolutely take this as seriously as possible and make major life decisions based on the astrological advice of a man who is real heavy into his $37.53 worth of CVS half-price Easter candy, and not much else. 

 

Scorpio

You better check yourself before you wreck yourself, because you’re doing to much and its bad for your health. But like actually though, when was the last time you had a check up? Also, I’m very well aware that Kombucha smells like a pickle juice enema, but like bacteria cultures my guy, you need them. They're important. (American treasure) Jamie Lee Curtis is not out her working her fingers to the bone peddling Activia for nothing. Take the hint, and get your shit together(do. you. see. what. I. did. there. Call Me MetamucilPapi. Fiber all day ALL DAY SON). The Mars-Pluto conjunction on the twenty-sixth could be challenging for everyone, and you may find yourself in a petty argument with a friend or family member.

Put the shank down. Don’t burn down their house. That poison is probably traceable in an autopsy. Keep a level head, and its going to be ok. By the 29th there’ll be a full moon, and you can fully luxuriate in all of the youness that is you. Everybody else is going to have to wait, because the end of the month is all about you, AS ALL MONTHS SHOULD BE.  

 

Sagittarius

Well zaaaamn shorty look at you starting the month off with a bang. Especially once that new moon hits on the 15th and its going to be on and poppin- as the youth are saying (Ok well, as the youth were saying in 2008). On the seventeenth though, all that poppin might turn to pooping with the Venus-Jupiter opposition which could bring a little confusion. But what would life be without the ceaseless crushing weight of the limitless possibilities of the future?? Is that just me? Am I projecting? Annnnnnyyyyway, the full moon on the 29th will bring up some feelings making you want to do something nice for someone. While I personally am not familiar with the concept, you should feel free to pay it forward even if you don’t get the recognition for it, because just like Lebrons hairline, Karma will come back to you. 

 

Capricorn

Have you been working on something for like, eeevvverrr and would like to finally finish? Well the new moon on the 15th might help you with that. Lots of resolutions to come in the middle of the month, so finish that book you've been telling people you've been reading for months but really you got halfway through, changed bags for work one day and haven't been able to find it since. Saturn goes retrograde on the 17th but if you've already got your knickers in a bunch about it, like first of all, knickers? girl really? Second of all, please stop worrying geeeesshhh being a neurotic nerve rattled mess for literally no good reason is kind of like my thing, so if you could just like not try to steal my thunder? Thanks bb. Appreciate you. Prouda you. Take the full moon on the 29th as a time to be more forceful in your group of friends. YOU’RE BEYONCE OK. Let those Kelly and Michelle mother f’ers know who’s in charge. But be sly about it. Just like put your thoughts out there, and watch everything fall into place. You’re the Queen B and everybody knows it

(lol jk im always Beyonce — leeeeeets not get crazy— but this is just an allegory. IRL maybe you’re more like the Adrienne Bailon in the Cheetah Girls? and look at her now she has a TV show. Good for you). 

 

Aquarius

It really isn't your fault that you're so popular. The 15th new moon makes you want to go out and make a new friend, or even maybe talk to someone that before you kind of didn't see it for, but now you realize that perhaps you were too harsh in thinking that you couldn't be friends with someone that wore American Eagle. Listen, you're a bigger person that I am. The sun conjoins Uranus (HAH) on the 18th, and if you've been looking for your time to shine, this may just be it. You don’t have to be like super obnoxious about it or anything, but if it just so happens that you’re at work and theres an opportunity for you to confirm that yes in fact you are smarter, cuter, and or generally just better than everyone else…I meeeaannn…

 

Pisces

Sweets you're like really in your feelings at the beginning of the month, and it may have something to do with the moon-Neptune conjunction. Or maybe you're DJ Envy, and you're always just in your gd lightskin feelings (cc: Desus & Mero). Listen, I don’t know your life, I don't know your story, I don’t know what dipping sauces you like with your nuggets. BUT I do know that the new moon on the 15th will bring a possibility for you to get some moonnnaaaayyy (also like super randomly, like out of nowhere, the stars are telling you to like, ask me for my paypal? idk idk idk. I also have Venmo so like? Idk idk idk). Making money, saving money, or just reconsidering how much you're spending on small batch artisanal mustards may shine some new light on your financial situation. These feelings may spill into the full moon on the 29th that will have you feeling very generous of spirit. You can give your time, your attention, and your boundless creative ideas to people who will really appreciate it. I however have Zelle, so like, let ya boy know. 

 

Aries

You know what they say “new moon, new me”…right? Trust me people say it. Well the new moon on the 15th is your time to pull a Rene Zellweger and totally surprise everyone with a brand new face — I mean, side of yourself. Quite timely as well because by time the 26th rolls around the Mar-Pluto conjunction will have all these other people acting brand new on you, and you may need to show them the side of yourself that ain’t with the shits. Tempers may flare up around this time, and its going to be important for you that you don’t— is it, “get to clapping”? The full moon the 29th will be here before you know it, and you're going to come in super clutch for someone who in the future may be able to pay you back 10-fold for it. Good news especially if you're following my patented guide to friendship from chapter 7: “Only Befriend People that Look Like They're Going to Be Rich One Day”. 

“So You’re Last Plant Died, Now What?: A Guide to Making Friends Because Horticulture is Proving Much Too Difficult” now available wherever imaginary books are sold. 

 

Taurus

On the 10th Venus trines Mars, and do you know what that means Taurus? Its time to light some candles and flip your Ikea futon mattress because love is in the air and you are really feeling yourself right now. Did you know that like *hair flip*… Scorpio and Taurus *coy chuckle* …are a great *I trip over my shoelace and knock over a lit candle onto the rug and have to use the wine I brought from Trader Joes to put out the fire*… love match? hit those DM’s.

But anyway anyway, this isn't about how cute I am stoooppp, this is about how between the new moon on the 15th and the sun entering Taurus on the 19th you're going to be all abuzz with a bunch of restless energy that you should put towards something that fulfills you. The full moon on the 29th will be the cherry on top of your love fest (ayyeee I see you getting freaky with that jar of maraschinos*) this month, and you may find yourself falling deeper into that crush that you have on that coworker of yours - the one with the eyelashes. Yeah him. Uh huh. I mean, I say go for it, whats the worse that could happen?**

*aaacctuualllyy eek all that much high fructose corn syrup in the boudoir, I don't really know about that, but you do you boo boo. 

**the worse that could happen is that you could get fired and did you know your job stops giving you money once you get fired?? Its soooo weird. But like, if those flat front khakis are looking right, it may be worth it. 

 

Gemini

This is a real cute month for you. The Sun- Mercury conjunction on the 1st had you feeling all jovial and shit, and thats just going to continue into the new moon on the 15th. That'll be the time of the month for you to come out of this winter cocoon and metamorphose into the beautiful radiant social butterfly that you are. Theres so many different types of people out there, and you can be friends with all of them. Demand it. Insist on it. Annnyywaayy, the 29th full moon will have you in the mood to shake up your daily routine and do something wild like adopting a pet to fill the sucking bottomless void in your life with the unconditional love and affection of a puppy. Is that just me? Am i projecting? Im more of a cat person anyway, but you know what I always say: “I like my pets like I like my men…unwilling to love me back”. 

 

Cancer 

The new moon on the 15th is coming to turn your work world upside down. Don’t let them catch you slipping and just trust that your experience and handwork will carry you through to the other side, and as it turns out, the grass is actually greener over there. On the 21st Cancer trines Neptune and Jupiter, and Rihannas “Fool in Love” plays softly in the background. This could be your weekend for some spontaneous bow chicka wow wow from someone that you didn't expect. So omg you weren't just imagining it, there was some lingering contact between you and the guy that was making your burrito at Chipotle. If shorty can get you some free guac, weeelllll wwwhhhaatttt aarrreee yyooouuu wwaaiittingg forrr??? The 29th full moon only brings more surprises and and unexpected treat from someone in your circle. So this is what its like to live the glamorous life huh? 

 

Leo

You Leo’s certainly do love doing the most at every possible instance don’t you. Well the 15th new moon is going to bring about some energy that may be perfect for you to cross something off of your bucket list. Have you always wanted to just jump in a car and drive cross country? Or make one of those IG videos where trust fund babies jump from planes directly into the ocean in the Maldives? Well, the middle of the month is going to be EXACTLY like that. Whatever that experience looks like for you, don’t even question it, just go, run, now. The sun enters Taurus on the 19th and you’ll be all about indulging in the finer things in life like food, drinks, and luxuriating. Thats when you should text me, and not a day before. If things at home aren't feeling so great right now, the full moon on the 29th should bring some resolution, and it'll be the perfect time for you to remind everyone that there is no hateration in the dancery, and to just enjoy the moment. 

 

Virgo 

You’re like…a little bit psychic rn. But you probably already knew that *cymbals sound in the background*. The sun-Mercury conjunction on the 1st has your intuition peaking and by the 15th you're going to be ready to go full Iyanla and start fixing everybody’s lives. While you may think you have all the answers, its best to let your friends come to you first before you just start handing out advice that your friend should dump her trash ass man. Liiisssttteeennn, I know that she should dump him, he probably even knows that he aint shit, but you've got to let them come to you when they're ready for your advice. I know, I know, its super hard always being right, but like, this is the cross we have to bear. The full moon on the 29th will be your friends' time to pay it back to you, because even though you may think you've got it all figured out, you may need a little help every now and again. Let them. 

 

Libra

Venus trines Mars on the 10th and its got you feeling like a sassy little frassy, cutie with a booty (deadass that was my old aol chat room name: cUti3wiTaB00ty), flirty little flirt machine. I mean, even more than you normally are. If you're single, don’t fall for the illusion of someone who seems tooooooooo perfect. Life is not like a romantic comedy ok? Find out his credit score, this is not a game. If you're already boo’d up, the attention from someone else might feel great, but you and your bf/gf are just getting started and things could get even better. Its like eating a 3lb box of cheezits. You start out thinking “omg these are so fucking good nothing could be better” and then only come to realize 4 hours later, on the side of the road, slumped over the steering wheel of your car on your way back from BJ’s, with $106 worth of blood orange San Pelligrino and more cheez-its, that you bought in a cheese induced fugue state, that…you were right. Those little salty crumbs at the bottom, you know like when the last few get all crunched up. OMG its even better than when you started.  

That. That is your relationship. 

The full moon on the 29th will possibly bring you some unexpected financial luck, so go ahead and make it rizzy. It ain't trickin if you got it. 

 

 

X

Jonathan Bell 

Horoscopes for entertainment purposes only.