Monthly horoscope April

You've got ISSUES and I've got some very ill informed answers. You should take this very seriously. 

APRIL: Not to get all preachy on your asses, but I’m kind of about to spit just straight cosmic knowledge and I want you to really be prepared for this life changing advice. I’m like 1 part Long Island Medium, with 2 parts that girl at your job thats also a witch, and just a dash of pan-asian mysticism because I’ve been eating an insane amount of pad thai lately.